A Close Shave

I met him on the beach at the end of last summer.

Long summer months after the heartbreak of spring, my mojo was returning. We trudged through the sand, I spied him and a friend, and indicated to my two girlfriends that we plant ourselves not two yards (or meters, if you wish) from these two polished-looking (for the beach, anyway) fellows, each reading something, a large beach umbrella hoisted between them, blocking the late afternoon rays.

The gals and I jumped in and out of the steep, breaking waves. There was no sand bar or hard-armored jetty to break the surf. These waves were not made for body-surfing. We either dove under the break or got pounded and tossed as if in a giant washing machine. I came up out of the water, dripping. breathless, laughing.

He was reading Mark Bowden's Black Hawk Down. The tide was coming in. It came close to our beach blankets, and either he or his buddy spoke to me, recommending that we move further up the sand, away from the encroaching water.

I pulled my blanket and asked, in so doing, how he found Mark Bowden's book. Bingo, instant conversation. Books. Easy. I know something about books. I know a handful of good yarns about how certain books came to be. Black Hawk Down is one of them.

Once upon a time, the publisher of that title gave me a bound galley (a pre-publication copy), and he and I got hammered, or I did anyway, until the sun came up. Ouch.

There on the beach, the conversation ranged, digital photos were taken, and email addresses were exchanged.

Some time after Labor Day, back in town, we had our  - ech, I hadn't been on one in so long, I couldn't bring myself to call it a - first date. And then there was a sort of second date, and then a third and forth and more.

He told me that he was a "leg man." His didn't touch, no. He caressed, he stroked my ankles, my calves, the backs of my knees, my thighs, under my skirts, inching up. He couldn't keep his mitts off my gams. And I didn't stop him. I hadn't been attracted, much less this attracted to a man in four months.

I knew when I pressed up against him that he was excited. That made me excited. Funny, he never kissed me. We never kissed. I breathed in the air under his earlobe. That was hot, made me shiver.

When I couldn't stand it anymore, we came back to my loft after a wacky time at some event or other. Was it the Daniel Liebeskind thing in Union City? A Frenchtuesdays, the night he walked me home from one of the West Chelsea clubs, when he held my hand, argued with me, stepped in dog shit?

The first night he stayed with me, we wore our underwear. He wore boxers, the short kind, with some sailing motif pattern, red and white. I wore a muscle-t and my string. We spooned. I didn't sleep well. I was aware that a certain something pushed against my backside.

Still, no kissing.  No full-on snog, just a soft peck now and then. A little weirdness in a building portfolio of weirdnesses.

The second time he stayed with me, we stripped, but I kept the lights low and my eyes averted. Four months, still a little gun shy.

But then when I saw his penis - he said "cock," why did he use that word? - I saw that he was hairless. Everywhere. His chest, his armpits, his legs (okay, I know professional cyclists shave their legs, I get that). But no boy bush, nothing but stubble. My brain-to-mouth edit function failed, skipped a synapse.

"What? Are you a porn star?" I blurted out. He was lying on his back, on my bed, and his torpedo-shaped penis was big and hard.

"Well, women (Hold on there: plural?) I have been with prefer it."

JMaSA, I thought (remnant from the failed big-C Catholicism): "Jesus, Mary, and St. Agnes."

I stopped. I allowed my mind to go blank. I almost went down on him. (I was pushing the interpretation of Oliver Goldsmith's line to its limit.) I couldn't. My mojo died a stillborn death. I discovered that I need texture, musk, everything that for me, makes a man a man. He didn't protest when I stopped.

We never had sex. We never made love.

In the days that since have ensued, I have asked many people, men and women, gay and straight, close friends, acquaintances, strangers, "What do you think of a man, a straight, heterosexual man, who shaves everything. And I mean everything?"

I have named this fellow The Depilitator.

From GV Wonder, the ultimate straight man:

"He watches too much porn."

"Clearly he wants his dick to look bigger."

"I might expect a 20-something to shave it, but a 50-year-old guy?" (Oops, I forgot to state The Depilitator's age, he is 50-something.)

"The thing is, to be honest, if he shaves it, I'm sure he must scratch like a m.f. (you can fill in the words)."

"Razor burn in all the wrong places."

"Does he work - other than to keep Gillette in business?"

"He shaves to make sure his soul doesn't escape."

"I swear, it's some newfangled narcissism."

"It's my (his) masterpiece."

"Where the f. does a 50-something-year-old guy get the idea to shave his cock and balls other than being gay? Not saying he is, but it's a gay-informed maneuver."

From Jean Phillipe:

"No! it is not possible!" He sat on my sofa, coffee in hand, and spread his legs, gesturing with the other hand to his (trousered) crotch. "I am French! I am a man! I am natural!"

From Cousin T:

"I'm looking for firm, hot, throbbing, uncut, clean-shaven flesh."

From Girls' Night In:

"A guy I dated once, a former body builder - he carried a photo of himself in his wallet, from when he competed - he told me he gets a Brazilian."

"I'm Latina. I like it when a man shaves."

From a 20-something fellow, standing in line for the taping of Isaac, the Style Channel's new show:

"When I shave, my six-pack really pops out."

Most recent, from a 30/40-something fellow, chatting over a drink:

"There is an easy way to get rid of all your body hair. Cancer. Chemotherapy." He's a survivor.

And there you have it. Quod erat demonstratum.

Comments

[propecia online]

It was great day to remember my dear lady

[Manny Rodrigues]

Black Hawk Down was the first military recount written in the modern information age meaning the author had full access to the audio and video of the event, or so I was told, making it the most realistic and accurate account of a military operation to date. One of my close friends and fraternity brothers (same guy) served with some of those brave Rangers before he moved on to Special Forces. Rangers lead the way, and brave men like those in that book are why we have the ability to do as we pretty well please here in the USA.

[Sammy]

Hey, be careful -- The Depilitator could be a pedophile (shaving just makes him fit in with the kiddies)

[Holly Hodder]

Kerndog, you so nailed it. This topic has spawned so many reactions and conversations. It has legs, if not hair. As for me, I know now that I prefer a man to look like a man, to smell like a man (but not overripe mind you), and to feel like a man. Trimmed, neat, and clean, but keep it real. I won't do bald.

[Kerndog]

LOVED this story!!! It has spawned countless conversations for me and my friends... (even this morning - as the Trailheads returned from our early pre-work 8 mile single track romp through the woods to our favorite coffee house, we cirecled back on the subject for the members who hadn't partaken in the conversation after the Saturday run. One even brought in the NYT magazine article about genital cosmetic surgery, as it touched on the topic of shaving several times and, OK, so he has a truly single-track mind).

Through all of the discussions its become more and more clear that this is a generational issue. The sub-30s (or still act that way)shave and don't lift an eyebrow at the notion -- in fact, "burnt-buns" says its uncommon to come across a natural young man these days (pardon the pun). And, those in their 40+ don't and find it surprising (and strange) both to hear about it and to hear how prevalent it is in the younger circles. So, my guess is that The Depilitator is just trying to hang on to his youth (and perhaps has done some serious dating down).

[Anonymous L]

I stick to my original comment: If I have to suffer through a Brazilian, they can at least shave a little!!!